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“My brother was threatening me with a metal ruler. I declared that ‘the pen is mightier than the sword!’ and plunged my fountain pen into his hand.”
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About 7 percent of people think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and that’s not even the scariest statistic we could find.
“My biological mom sent me her senior picture. We look like twins. Ugly twins, but twins.”
"One of my cats stares at the spice rack every night at exactly 8:00. Every night."
"International flight. Abscess on my tailbone. Stuck next to the world's smelliest kid. Headrest TV wasn't working."
The miracle of birth isn't always drama free.
"Later, he mentioned how he ‘didn't know how I could take those things. ...They're just so damn hard to swallow.’ I almost died laughing. This moron swallowed two Tums whole.”