Blessed Be The Lobster
Did you know lobsters are immortal? Blessed be the lobster!
Okay, despite popular internet memes, that actually isn’t true, but these decapod crustaceans do have a lot of amazing atypical qualities that could trick someone into thinking they’re ocean gods. The claims of immortality were started because lobsters lack senescence (the process of deterioration with age). Lobsters never stop growing, eating, reproducing, or lose strength as they get older. This phenomenon lead some people to think if left alone, a lobster could theoretically live forever. For a number of reasons, that’s not the case, but once the internet gets a hold of something that seems cool, they tend to run with it.
Blessed Be The Molters
Because lobsters grow their whole lives, they have to regularly molt. Molting is the process of shedding their hard outer exoskeleton once they’ve gotten too big for it. The molting process can be difficult and stressful for the animal (you know, because they’re swapping out their entire skeletal structure). As a lobster gets older and bigger, the difficultly level of molting increases. Here’s where Facebook comes in and takes things way, way too far.
The members of “Plans To Create And Worship Our Leviathan Lobster God” vow to raise their crustacean leader, always lending a hand during the stressful and difficult molting process. Their official plan states:
We are going to take a lobster, help it molt it’s shell over several generations, and create a leviathan god. Here we will plan our gods birth and rise to divinity.
His acolytes are at risk and must be protected. Any creature with magic blood is obviously descended from the gods.
The group was started on June 12, 2020 and already has over twenty three thousand members. People are ready and willing to dedicate their lives to their crusty ocean god. And hey, is that really the worst thing happening on Facebook right now?
Protectors Against All Odds
As soon as the good word got out, a rival group formed. These vicious dissenters have made a plan to eat the other group’s lobster god, probably with some butter and a few Cheddar Bay biscuits. While small in numbers compared the original group (there are only 909 hungry heretics so far), this group was started more recently on Oct. 10, 2020. They’re quickly mobilizing, which is definitely cause for concern if you’re taking this way, way too seriously.
“Plans To Eat That Other Group’s Lobster God” is a closed group, so we’re unable to track their plotting ways, but their devious goal is stated out in the open:
There are plans to raise a lobster over generations and generations until it reaches god-like proportions. In the name of humanity, let’s nip this in the bud and boil that bad boy before it reaches 7′
Choose Your Side
These rival groups remind us of the Capulets and Montagues. Or maybe the historical feud between cats and dogs is more accurate. Either way, the time will come when you must choose a side. Are you willing to dedicate your life to a blessed oceanic creature? Or are you hungry?
