Rich people are the worst, right? They’re always flaunting their cool toys that the rest of us could never afford, trying to make us feel bad about ourselves because we don’t have the latest gadgets.
Well, this time the laughs on team moneybags because while they may have the cash to shell out for these devices, they were also stupid enough to spend that dough on these useless items in the first place.
1. “Ergonomic” Chin Rest Arm
The Google Translation of the description of this product is pretty great:
“A cushion shaped like a human hand, a substitute like a robot arm with an extendable arm,” reads the translation on the website for the Japanese equivalent of Sharper Image, Thanko.jp. Just attach the robot arm “to a desk and putting a chin on it makes you realize that you are stupid and you can straighten your spine with pins.”
Hey, who exactly are you calling stupid?
“The ‘hand’ and ‘arm’ parts are soft materials made of urethane,” the translated description goes on, “so they can be used as a relaxation item as an arm pillow instead of a cheek.”
The only question you really need to ask is, “Can it slap my forehead in frustration for me?”
2. “Smart” Toaster Oven
This is a toaster oven that could actually spy on you. The camera—yes, it has a camera inside—allows you to watch your toast brown. Apparently, the June Oven is perfect for baking just about anything. While you don’t have to watch, why not observe your $1,500 kitchen appliance in action?
3. Bread Warmer Powered by Your Phone
You’ve got to be a special kind of rich to want a heated bread basket. The rest of us simpletons are out here just covering our rolls with a cloth and hoping the heat stays in, yet the elites are out there keeping their bread warm with heaters.
This particular heated breadbasket comes with four USB ports that drain your phone’s battery to keep the bread that probably came out of a Smart Toaster warm.
4. Digital Diaper
Humans have been evolving for thousands of years, developing specially honed senses like sight, smell, and touch, and we’ve been using those senses to help raise smarter and smarter generations. This invention marks the point where our senses start to decline, and we begin to devolve into blobs of brain matter and smartphones.
This “disposable organic sensor,” writes Phys.org, “is capable of monitoring wetness, pressure, temperature and other phenomena that cause a change in electrical resistance.”
“Phenomena” is one heck of a euphemism for poop. We rate this product, “Bull Phenomena.”
5. Robot Bartender
The concept of saying, “Siri, I need a drink,” and your smartphone being able to deliver is a pretty impressive. However, until she can fill the so-called “soma pods,” do the dishes, and move your favorite glassware around the house, what’s the point? Making the drink is the most fun part of the whole process—well, second most fun, after consuming the beverage.
Somabar insists that their product is easy to clean (the pods can be refrigerated and are dishwasher safe), but the more you look into this product, which costs $450 by the way, the more you’re going to think to yourself, “I’ll just go out tonight.”
See, aren’t you glad you don’t have the money to waste on these useless products?