We love our pets, and we certainly don’t mind spending money on the occasional toy, treat, or miniature sweater. Pet products are big business; according to the American Pet Products Association, Americans will spend about $72 billion on their furry friends in 2018.
Some of those purchases are a little more ridiculous than others. Sure, you might have spent hundreds of dollars on a climbable cat tree, but we bet you’ve never heard of Mattel’s Puppy Tweets, and we can practically guarantee that you’ve never considered toilet training your cat.
Fortunately for us, Amazon’s full of ridiculous pet items. Some of them are actually pretty useful—others, not so much. Here’s the pick of the (kitty) litter.
1. Ever look at your dog and think, “Why don’t you have social media?”
No? We haven’t either, but here we are, telling you about Puppy Tweets.
Mattel’s Puppy Tweets consists of a collar attachment that monitors your pet’s behavior. It then sends a signal to the included USB dongle, which tweets out pre-loaded phrases. Those phrases don’t really relate to your pet’s activities, but hey, it’s cute.
Of course, it’s also remarkably stupid—the tweets can’t be customized, so you’re stuck with the prewritten phrases, and the device only works within 100 feet of the USB dongle. Still, if you’re one of those people who insists on carrying out every single interaction via social media, this is certainly…something.
2. Take your dog for a walk without leaving the house.
The dogPACER is a treadmill designed specifically for dogs. It’s billed as the “lowest priced, highest value dog treadmill available on the market,” but we’ll note that it’s far from the cheapest treadmill—we don’t really know why a human treadmill would be any worse for a dog than a specially designed canine treadmill. It comes with several pre-set workout programs, so if you’re training your dog to, say, pass an Army fitness test, this is probably worth your time.
Of course, you’ll actually have to train your dog to use the thing. Our dogs wouldn’t get anywhere close to motorized exercise equipment (we’ve tried). There are several YouTube tutorials for familiarizing your pooch with a treadmill, so if you’re really considering the dogPACER, we’d recommend checking those out.
If that sounds like too much work—go grab a leash and walk around the block. Your dog will thank you for it.
3. While we’re on the subject of training animals to do strange things…
The CitiKitty is a system for training your cat to use your toilet instead of the litter box. The manufacturer claims that it will allow you to “save thousands of dollars on kitty litter,” which sounds impressive until you realize that, at some point, you’ll need to wait outside your bathroom door for your cat to “finish.”
The kit includes a training seat with an insert, a guide, a tip card, and catnip, so if you’re really looking to change your kitty’s bathroom habits, this is probably the way to do it. It’s fairly affordable, but if you’re on a really tight budget, you could simply check out jazz legend Charles Mingus’s guide on cat toilet training for free. Groovy, baby.
4. Treat your pet’s paws with this spa-level therapy cream.
We’re pretty sure the manufacturers of Paw Spa came up with the punny name first, then decided to create the actual product after the fact. Nevertheless, it’s not bad—natural ingredients like camellia, jojoba, and meadowfoam seed oils moisturize your pet’s pads while providing relief from dryness and irritation.
Granted, it’s fairly expensive at $12 per container, but it’s a decent pick up for those dry winter months. It’s also free from parabens and fragrances, so if you feel like dabbing some on your own skin, have at it.
5. Freak out your neighbors with this cute bubble window.
Whether your dog really loves or really hates your neighbors, this is a great purchase. It’s a bubble-shaped window that allows your dog to peer out of your yard, “satisfying his curiosity” in a safe (and slightly disturbing) way.
If your dog frequently tries to scratch up your fence or dig under the fence line, this might help to distract him. It will definitely make your pooch look more like a deepsea fisherman, and in our book, that’s a win.
6. Don’t trim those nails—grind them down.
Most dogs hate nail clippers, and we don’t blame them. If you accidentally cut too deep, you can easily leave your pet in a great deal of pain.
This low-powered rotary tool provides another way to keep those nails in shape. It uses a 60-grit sanding drum to gradually grind nails in stages. It’s perfect for skittish dogs that won’t let you get anywhere near them with a pair of clippers, and it’s backed by a two-year warranty.
As it’s compatible with other dremel drums, you can easily find replacement sanding cartridges at your local hardware or craft store.
7. When you don’t have time for a bath, reach for the cologne.
Here’s an eau de toilette for an animal that drinks out of the toilet. Made with “socially responsible practices,” Bodhi Dog Cologne delivers the fresh scent of baby powder with a few quick spritzes. It’s safe for all types of animal fur, and its gentle ingredients don’t leave behind any sticky residue.
Sure, there are plenty of pet deodorizing sprays on the market, but this one has a label that says it’s a cologne. That’s worth something, right? Per the reviews, it works fairly well, and the manufacturer offers a 100 percent money-back guarantee.
8. Carry your pet around with this (somewhat enormous) sling.
Sometimes, you want to walk around town with your dog, but you don’t want his furry paws to hit the sidewalk. Hey, you’re a 21st-century person—if you want to carry your Pomeranian around on your chest, we’re certainly not going to stop you.
The product description notes that “thanks to the soft cotton-cloth material, this sling-style bag will keep you and your pet relaxed and comfortable throughout the day.” That sort of implies that people are wearing this thing all day long.
We’re not saying there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily, but if you’re slinging around your furry friend all day, we’d recommend investing in a leash. If this is a more mobility-based thing, then we’d recommend saving your back and investing in a stroller.
9. Too lazy to throw the ball for your dog?
We know, we know; you love spending time with your pet, but you can’t bring yourself to casually fling a ball every once in a while. Fortunately, technology has your back. The iFetch Too launches a standard-size tennis ball with the touch of a button. Once it’s activated, your pup can drop his ball into the top of the device, and it’ll fling the ball a set distance. With a bit of training, you can use it to keep your dog entertained for hours on end.
While we’re skeptical of the concept—seriously, if you’re not willing to throw a ball for your pet, you might want to reevaluate your life—this could be a reasonable purchase for people with highly energetic dogs. The downside: It’s fairly expensive and your neighbors will assume that you’re incredibly lazy.
10. Put goggles on your dog, because hey, why not?
They’re called Doggles, and they’re goggles for your dog. Really, there’s not much else to say; as soon as you saw them, you probably decided whether or not you were going to buy them.
They’re designed to sit comfortably on your pooch’s face, although we’re guessing that he’ll probably try to tear them off a few times before he gets used to them. Doggles provide “100 percent UV protection,” they’re shatterproof, and most importantly, they make your pet look awesome. If you’re planning on taking your dog on a motorcycle ride, these are pretty much essential.
11. Usually, we’d recoil from a product named “puppy scoops.”
Relax, it’s not what you think. Puppy Scoops is a bacon-flavored ice cream designed for dogs. Unlike other canine ice creams (yes, there are other brands) it contains whole milk, along with gelatin, salt, cane juice, and natural bacon flavoring. It arrives as a dry mix; add hot water, mix it up, then freeze it for a safe, tasty treat.
It’s highly reviewed, and it’s a nice way to celebrate birthdays and other special events. Of course, it’s fairly expensive, but hey, your dog’s worth it. Then again, you could also just freeze some real bacon—we doubt your pup will complain.
12. Feed your cat to an adorable shark.
People on the internet have a strange obsession with feeding their pets to fake sharks. We saw about a dozen products with a similar theme, but this tent seemed like the best option—it’s pretty adorable, and per the customer reviews, it’s fairly well built.
The package includes pine wooden poles, felt, a ball toy, and of course, catnip. We love the cute design of the “shark,” and while the kit is slightly expensive, it’s well worth the money if your cat won’t immediately tear it to shreds.
13. Trap your pet in your sweatshirt with this pouch-equipped hoodie.
Ever wish you were a kangaroo? This hoodie should let you live out your wildest (and weirdest) dreams. It’s designed for cat lovers—there are cat ears on the hoodie and pom-pom balls on the drawstrings—but really, it should allow you to smuggle any fairly small animal. We’re not saying that’s a good idea, necessarily, but if you really want to carry your pet around like a toy, have at it.
As the manufacturer writes, “the large pouch of this women shirt is good for holding a small dog or cat anywhere. It is not only an ideal tool for helping you to carry small pets like chihuahua or kittens around and socialize but also helping to keep your hands free!” Okay, we’re sold.
14. Take your pet to the streets with this chic stroller.
We say “chic” because our editors wouldn’t allow us to put “pointless” in a headline. In any case, this is a highly reviewed stroller, so if you’re looking for a way to walk your dog without actually—well, walking your dog, it seems like a decent option.
It features a “panoramic view window,” so your dog can go absolutely crazy in three directions at once, and the one-hand fold mechanism lets you put your stroller away when you’re ready to give your animal some outdoor time.
On a serious note, this product is promising for anyone whose dog has mobility or joint problems but still needs fresh air.
15. Potty train your pup with these doorbells.
Make sure that you don’t miss your dog’s signals. These doorbells help your dog communicate when it needs to go outside, and when used properly, they help to prevent scratching, barking, and other unwanted behaviors.
Simply hang them on your door and train your pup to “shake” with the bells when he wants to go out. The durable nylon will last for years, and you can adjust the belt easily to keep it within your pet’s reach as he grows.
16. Why toss a treat when you could launch one instead?
Well, this looks fun. Some genius built a little catapult for dog treats. According to the manufacturers, it’s a serious product designed to help with training. Whatever. We’re totally just going to get one to see how high we can make our puppers jump.
It’s a little plastic contraption with a wrist strap. Just drop a treat into the chamber and pull the trigger; up goes the snack. It’s all non-toxic and easy to use, so you can focus on watching your pet catch some wicked air. Fun.
17. Luxurious. Inevitable. Chanel. (Almost.)
Is your puppy a prima donna? Does your pet have expensive tastes? If so, we’ve got the chew toy for her. It’s from the exclusive Dog Diggin Designs label, and it’s shaped just like a bottle of high-priced Chanel perfume.
The catch? This isn’t Chanel. It’s labeled “Coko Chewnel, France.” So that’s how they got around the whole copyright violation thing. Anyway, if you like to surround your pet with the finer things in life, this chew toy is perfect. Plus, it squeaks.
18. See your pet’s accidents in a whole new light.
This blacklight set is an affordable answer to the question “Does it smell like pee in here?”
Put on the glasses, turn off the lights, and use the flashlight to easily identify your pet’s urine on virtually any surface. You can laugh, but if you’ve ever had a small dog and a shag carpet, you know that this is an essential purchase.
Manufacturer Taotronics notes that this “pet blacklight flashlight” can also “easily spot scorpions [or] authenticate currency [and] driver’s licenses.” We’ve never clicked “Buy now with 1-Click” so quickly.
19. Your pet is your baby. Treat her accordingly.
Picture a Baby Bjorn for your little dog, or, better yet, a fluffy cat. Don’t you want that? Of course you do. Well, Baby Bjorns are for babies, but Cosmos carrier bags are pretty darn close, and they’re built for little dogs.
There are cats out there that tolerate sitting with their paws sticking straight out in front of them. If you have a cat like that, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and the community by not carrying them everywhere strapped to your chest. Just look at the pictures; that’s all we ask.
20. Well, the “peticure” is a thing now.
Mani/pedis aren’t just for humans anymore. Pick up a few shades of Color Paw nail polish and your dog can step out on the town with gorgeously done nails. This formula resists scratching and chipping, which is good because dogs don’t take care of their manicures like they should.
It’s designed to dry quickly, in case you have a squirmy puppy. Pick from more than 10 fashionable colors, from bold electric blues to classic cherry reds. Too bad they don’t make those little foam toe separator things for dogs—personally, we’d call them Bean Sorters.
21. This isn’t your grandma’s dog sweater.
All dog sweaters are cute, but how many of them are stylish? Here’s a whole warm outfit for a dog or a cat that’s just oozing with street style. It’s modeled after adidas workout gear, with a hooded sweatshirt and striped athletic pants.
If you dress your dog in this outfit and you do not buy a matching set of adidas clothes for yourself, you are doing it wrong. Oh, by the way, the logo on the dog’s outfit doesn’t quite say “adidas.” It says “adidog,” because of course it does.
22. Why shouldn’t cats be homeowners, too?
Give your cat the gift of homeownership without the mortgage. Outdoor cat houses from K&H Products offer the warmth and shelter of home, but they sit comfortably in your backyard. Speaking of warmth: Many of these models are heated.
Yep, you can keep an outdoor cat warm and safe, even in the winter. If you want to give an outdoor cat indoor amenities, here’s how you do it. Pick from one of three models, in heated and unheated versions.
23. Your cat is definitely the TV star of your household.
We don’t know about you, but we spend an extraordinary amount of time just watching our cats. Even when we try to sit down and catch up on our Netflix, there are the cats, just being cute. We can’t take our eyes off of them.
That’s why this little cat house is perfect for our household. It’s a cozy, soft-lined cat bed decorated to look just like a TV. We suppose small dogs could fit in there, too. Lizards would probably fit. A parrot would, if you could coax your parrot to go into a box. The point is, you may as well replace your TV with this pet bed. You’re just going to watch the animal, anyway.
24. Here’s an accessory that’ll make any feline into one cool cat.
If you could make your cat wear mirrored shades, you’d do it, right? Of course you would. The problem is, most sunglasses are just too big for your average medium-hair. A company called Coolrunner is here with the solution.
These sunglasses are sized to fit cats and small dogs. They’ve got a retro, Lennon-ish vibe, and they won’t squeeze your cat’s head too much. If you can get your pet to keep them on long enough to snap a picture, you’ve got Instagram gold on your hands.
25. Make every game of catch into a punchline.
Dogs love catch. People love dogs with big, toothy human smiles. Thanks to a company with the unlikely name of CHEECH!, now you can satisfy everyone. This rubber dog ball is spaced like a giant set of teeth, giving your dog a hilariously outsized smile.
This durable toy is safe for dog mouths, and it’d take a very dedicated chewer to destroy it before you get hours of fun out of the thing. It’s sized for medium and large dogs, so maybe look elsewhere if your best friend is a chihuahua. Otherwise, you won’t find a better fetch object anywhere.
26. Poop is funny. Puns are funny. These things are funny squared.
Some products are worth a little extra investment. Don’t skimp on your winter boots or your mattress, and definitely don’t skimp on your dog-doo bags. Get the thick ones, the ones that definitely won’t tear. While you’re at it, why not giggle a bit while you perform a task that is fundamentally without dignity?
These BarkBox poop bags are printed with classic hip-hop quotes altered to match the subject (literally) at hand. “Poop, there it is,” says one. “I love it when you call me Big Poopa,” says another. We haven’t seen all of them, but we sure hope there’s something from the Poo Tang Clan in there somewhere.
27. Dogs never use the welcome mat. Here’s your solution.
Imagine you had a friend who never wiped his boots before stepping onto your carpet. Actually, you might not have to imagine that; you can probably just experience it. In fact, if you have a dog, you have experienced it.
Don’t let the doggo get away with this rude behavior! Pick up a silicone dog paw cleaner and teach that pet some manners! This one is easy to use. Just pour in a bit of water, dip the paws, and dry them on the provided velvet towel. Civility rules again!
28. Dating cannot compare with this level of hygge.
At some point, it’s time to face facts. Romance just isn’t in the cards. But who needs a date when you’ve got a Snuggie, an adorable dog, and a Snuggie for that dog?!
Yep, they make a Snuggie for dogs now. It operates just like the human version, which is to say it’s a wearable blanket with arm/paw holes. Ride out the winter with your best fluffy friend, even if it means deleting Tinder for the last time. It isn’t admitting defeat. It’s hygge. At least, we’re telling ourselves that since it’s the Danish concept of coziness and comfort, it’s okay to indulge. It’s what the Danes would want. And we hear those Danes are great.
29. Yes, you actually can teach your barking buddy to love bathtime.
We’ve all seen the internet videos of the dogs who love baths. There’s a reason they go viral: Dogs who love baths are about as common as kids who love Brussels sprouts.
The trick to getting them to stay still for an unpleasant experience—dogs and children, we mean—is distraction. Enter the aptly named Bath Lick Pad.
Smear it with peanut butter, stick it to the shower wall via suction cups, and get to bathing. Hurry, before your pup finishes the treat and starts struggling again! Also, this item is shaped like a fish for some reason.
30. Stemware not included.
Pour your kitty a nice, relaxing glass of Purrgundy or Meowsling after her long day of napping and guarding the closed window. Seriously, Purrgundy and Meowsling are real product names. The product in question is called Catwine, and while it’s totally alcohol-free, it is infused with catnip. It’ll take the edge off.
Cats will love the salmon-oil flavoring and you won’t have to enjoy your beverage alone. It is okay if it’s social, right? The cat makes it social. Just don’t let her drive if she has too many.
31. Meow, pilgrim.
Why should cats get to prance around the house like they’re all dignified? It’s not like they’re paying rent. Instead, make them work for that kibble by dressing them up as tiny, angry cowboys.
This pet costume fits comfortably over cats and small dogs, instantly transporting them into a spaghetti Western. Don’t be surprised when the tumbleweeds roll by. Also, be sure to take a picture. Humiliated cats are internet gold.
32. Give out treats remotely with this Alexa-compatible dispenser.
The Petcube is a weird piece of technology, but we’re on board. Basically, you load it up with treats, then use the Petcube app to fling those treats to your dog or cat.
The product description notes that it “usually flings one to five treats at a time, depending on size,” so it’s not ideal for pets on a restricted diet. With that said, it’s a lot of fun, and the built-in camera lets you watch your pet scamper for the treats.
It’s even Alexa compatible, so you can tell your robot companion to give treats to your dog, then monitor the entire process over WiFi. What a time to be alive.
33. Remove gross pet odors with a…gel, apparently?
This product is billed as an “odor-removing gel,” which sounds slightly sinister, in our opinion. Regardless, reviewers claim that it works; crack open the container and place in problem areas to get rid of odors from pets, smoke, mildew, trash, and other nefarious sources.
While it’s effective, it’s safe to use almost anywhere, as it’s non-toxic for both people and pets, and leaves you with a clean, odor-free home/room/crevice.
34. Turn your cat into a DJ.
We didn’t know that novelty cat scratchers existed, but here we are. Developed by a company called Suck UK—seriously—this cardboard scratcher is shaped like a DJ deck.
The Instagram possibilities are virtually endless. Add a little bit of catnip to the center of the “platter,” and get ready for your feline DJ to pump up the jams (along with a couple of hairballs).
Please note: This is not a functional turntable and it will not give your cat actual DJ skills.
35. Stop unwanted barking with this pain-free bark collar.
We’re not going to debate whether shock collars are humane, but we’re uncomfortable with the concept. This bark collar is an effective alternative; when it detects movement from your dog’s vocal cords, it issues an audible warning, then vibrates if the barking continues. It’s unpleasant, but not painful, and reviewers say that it’s fairly effective.
Your mileage may vary—some dogs are more stubborn than others—but if you’ve found other training methods to be ineffective, this is certainly worth a shot.
36. Who says you can’t keep a pet lion?
We’re pretty sure it’s illegal to keep lions in the home. Luckily, dogs are another story. Get the best of both worlds with this realistic lion mane costume, designed just for your puppers!
It’s comfortable, easy to clean, and it’s almost alarmingly realistic. Also works for cows. Do not try to place this artificial lion mane on the head of a real lion.