Narcissism gets a bad rap. Sure, narcissists have difficulty feeling empathy and they use insidious tactics to control other people, but they look pretty good doing it. Without vanity, the world would be a much less interesting place.
If you know someone who seems hopelessly in love with themselves—or if you consider yourself to be a narcissist, you handsome devil, you—we put together a list to help you satisfy those vain impulses.
1. Wear your vanity on your sleeve…er, your travel bag.
If you’re going to embrace your narcissism, don’t be subtle about it. This retro flight bag is perfectly sized as a carry-on, and while it’s not big on frills, it lets everyone on your plane know that you’re better than them.
It features a front zipper, an adjustable shoulder strap, and a seven-liter capacity. Available in black or red—we’re partial to the red, since it’s a bit more noticeable.
2. If you’re serious about your vanity, you need to take plenty of selfies.
Hey, you’re not going to get thousands of Instagram followers by posting pictures of your food, are you? You’ll need to invest in a decent selfie stick, and the Fugetek FT-568 is as close to a “professional” model as you’ll find.
It uses a Bluetooth control to trigger your camera, and two interchangeable phone mounts keep your hardware safe while you snap to your heart’s content. It’s designed to fit all smartphones, and you won’t even need to take your phone out of its case. For less than $20, this is a nice upgrade over cheaper models.
3. While we’re on the subject, most selfies need better lighting.
Your phone’s front-facing camera isn’t nearly as capable as the back camera. That makes no sense—aren’t most people taking selfies 24/7? Fortunately, you’ve got options. This clip contains 36 LEDs, powered by a single AAA battery. Load in your phone or tablet, turn on the lights, select from the three available brightness levels, and capture your beautiful face in all of its glory.
The manufacturer notes that it can also be used as a simple flashlight, although we wouldn’t rely on it in an emergency situation—it’s bright, but probably not bright enough to hail a passing helicopter.
4. We can’t do a list of vanity products without including a mirror.
This makeup mirror has two sides; one that provides normal magnification, and one with 8x magnification. It’s ideal for making sure that you apply your makeup perfectly every time, but in a pinch, it’s also decent for checking out your Adonis-like features up close.
The chrome finish prevents moisture from accumulating, and the 360-degree swivel lets you find the perfect angle. The manufacturer even offers a limited lifetime warranty.
5. A true narcissist knows that they look great in anything.
That’s what makes the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt such an excellent purchase. If you’re wearing this thing, you know you’ve got style.
The front of the shirt features three wolves howling at the moon. The back features nothing because the front already said everything that ever needs to be said about anything. Per the manufacturer’s description, this shirt is “exceptional,” and while it’s made in the USA, it’s “assembled in Mexico or Honduras.” Seems legit.
Be sure to check out the incredible user reviews.
6. This monogrammed journal lets you write at length about your favorite subject.
That subject, of course, is your own incredibly interesting life.
We love the elegant cover design, and the acid-free archival paper retains its gorgeous look for decades. It comes with 26 stylish letter designs, along with a few extra designs; choose the one you want to feature, then slide it into the front cover to complete the personalized look.
The only downside is that the journal only holds 160 lined sheets of paper, so if you’re a regular journaler, you’ll need a few of these to get through the year. Of course, that means that you can build your own library of self-penned tomes—we’d certainly call that an advantage.
7. Get a robot that can cater to your every whim.
“Alexa, play ‘I’m So Sexy.'”
The Echo is one of the most wished-for items on Amazon, and that makes perfect sense; who doesn’t want their own personal assistant? Sadly, our assistants keep quitting—apparently, they’re not able to handle our brilliant managerial style where we’re always right—so Echo will have to do.
Equipped with Amazon’s Alexa technology, the Echo packs a decent speaker with 360-degree omnidirectional audio. Ask it to manage your schedule, play your music, order you a pizza, control your thermostat, or turn on your TV, and your Echo will handle everything (without threatening to quit just because you’re not paying it).
8. Hopefully, you’re no longer drinking from a normal glass.
True narcissists need to drink from jewel-studded chalices. Nothing else should come anywhere close to your perfect lips.
This inexpensive cup lets you stunt on your family members without breaking the bank. It features a stainless-steel interior cup, which is removable for easy cleaning. Reviewers note that a “mystical and spiritual energy emanates from this chalice,” and if that’s not enough to sell you on it, we don’t know what else to say.
9. If you’ve got a bunch of trophies, display them for guests with this elegant wall unit.
If you don’t have a bunch of trophies…well, go out and get some. We’ve heard that everyone gets a trophy these days; it can’t be that difficult.
This functional, elegant unit works as a trophy case, bookshelf, or home audio stand, and its minimalist design won’t distract from your achievements.
The shelves are woodgrain laminate, while the stainless-steel poles won’t rust over time. You can assemble it in minutes, so you’ll have more time to sit back and marvel at your accomplishments.
10. When you have full control over your home’s lighting, it’s easier than ever to look your best.
Get a light bulb that’s nearly as smart and attractive as you. These 6000K dimmable bulbs work with the aforementioned Amazon Alexa, but you can also control them with your smartphone. They offer 16 million hues of color choice, and the free Smart Life app lets you easily switch between several preconfigured light modes to suit the occasion.
You can even set up schedules so that your lights turn on automatically right before you get home every day. Compatible with most iOS and Android devices.
11. If you really want to be a narcissist, you need to learn from the best.
We really can’t write about narcissism without bringing up Kanye West. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is typically considered his masterpiece, and when an album self-describes itself as “beautiful,” you know that it’s coming from the mind of an incredibly vain person.
That’s not to say that the title isn’t accurate. Kanye explores his complicated relationship with himself throughout this record, alternating between profound declarations of love (for himself) and depressing realizations about the ramifications of having an enormous ego. It’s a struggle that any narcissist can understand.
It’s available on CD and on streaming services, but real narcissists will pick up the vinyl.
12. You’re good—darn good. Too good for back hair, at least.
Nothing ruins that muscle-bound Instagram shoot like the appearance of unsightly back hair. But if you’ve ever tried to shave your back (which of course you have), you know that it’s not easy. Your sculpted shoulders don’t look much better with a bunch of scabs than they do covered in a furry mat of body hair.
The BAKblade 2.0 Plus is the solution. This body shaver features a long, curved handle that’s ideal for reaching the stubbornest crops of back hair, from the shoulders to the gentle rise of your bubble-like backside. You can even shave without cream; this thing is built for wet or dry use. Show the world the glory that is your hairless back; your Instagram followers will thank you.
13. This is the only bath mat suitable for your regal, regal feet.
Why should someone like you have to stoop to such banal tasks as picking out a bath mat? Let us do it for you.
Oh wait, we already did, and it is this cozy velvet number from Genteele. The thing is made of memory foam, so it warmly embraces your feet every time you step out of your perfumed bath. Color-wise, we went with “eggplant,” although we would have called it “royal purple.” It’s absorbent, handsome, and gentle on the toes. Plus, the non-slip backing keeps you safe. You must stay safe; you are precious.
14. Make sure you look good when you flex in the mirror.
It’s okay to be vain about your muscles. You worked hard for those muscles. Don’t ever stop and think, “What would I be without my muscles?” You won’t have to when you grab a pair of these Perfect Fitness Perfect Pushup Elite exercise stands.
They’re designed to make every push-up as effective as possible. They rotate slightly on the push, working complete muscle systems and building that bulk you love to post on Instagram. These things pack a powerful 400-pound capacity, so even if you’re Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-style ripped, you can still use them to maintain your Adonis-like body. Stay strong and you’ll never have to join the sorry ranks of the weak and flabby.
15. Perfect your look with a hat that tells it like it is.
Fashion is self-expression; there’s no way around it. Why not show the world how what you really think about yourself, which is that you are terrific? This stylish cotton cap doesn’t mince words. It just comes out and labels you right: “SELFISH AND NARCISSISTIC.”
This thing is one-size-fits-all, thanks to a velcro strap, so it’s ideal for your perfect, perfect head shape. Leave the brim flat or give it the old Starter hat treatment for that classy curve. Shoot, you know what to do with a hat. Put it on your head; that’s the important thing.
16. Pamper yourself in the comfort of your own home. You know you deserve it.
Show yourself some of that deeply narcissistic self-care with a foot spa that vibrates and heats. Conair built this thing for comfort. It’s a convenient foot bath with a deep reservoir for water and an instant foot massage, whenever and wherever you need it.
Control the vibrations with a toe-touch button, so you don’t even have to get out of your seat. Treat yourself to the pleasures of a nice, warm foot-soak, and give yourself a massage while you’re at it. As a real-deal narcissist, you know you’re worth it.
17. Reenact the myth of Narcissus in your very own backyard pool!
Narcissus was so hot that Echo the mountain nymph fell for him right away. He spurned her, she withered away into a wisp of spirit that echoes all callers, and a vengeful Nemesis punished Narcissus by tricking him into falling in love with his own reflection.
You know, typical narcissist behavior. If you’re selfish and proud, and you want to go out like the OG, buy this pool.
It doesn’t compare to the stunning dark stream depicted by, say, Caravaggio, but find the right angle and it’ll do. No guarantee that you will turn into flowers when you finally succumb to hunger and thirst.
18. Humble-brag without even saying a word with this diploma frame.
When you really want visitors to know you went to college, but you don’t want to go around saying, “Hey, I went to college!” all the time, there’s only one solution: Frame the thing and put it on your wall.
Better yet, get thee to a copy machine and print out a diploma for every room in the house. Then make a bulk order of these mahogany frames and show the world that, yes, you will never fully pay off that English degree, but you can also tell the real story of Narcissus, Echo, and Aphrodite’s vengeful aspect, Nemesis. It’s in Ovid’s Metamorphoses, but you knew that, you well-read scoundrel, you.
19. Chug-a-lug like it’s the Dark Ages all over again.
You know who really perfected the narcissistic lifestyle? Vikings. They were going to loot and plunder, and they didn’t care how anyone else felt about it. They were the pioneers of self-love.
In that spirit, you owe yourself Das Horn. It’s a good old-fashioned (ancient-fashioned, actually) drinking horn made out of high-quality, BPA-free plastic. A steel rim feels great against your bearded lip.
No animals were harmed in the making of this drinking horn, which is more than a real Viking could have said. Oh, and it even comes with a stand so you don’t spill your beverage every time you try to put it down.
20. Be the ruler of your own personal fiefdom, even if it’s just a crummy one-bedroom apartment.
You’re the queen—the ruler of all you survey. Too bad you mostly survey old pizza boxes and a 32-inch flat screen these days, but hey, you’re still royalty. You know how we know? Because we can totally picture you wearing this real-life, honest-to-goodness royal crown.
This is the real deal—real rhinestones, at least. The thing is almost 4 inches tall, and it’s regal enough to command the respect of cats, sisters, and visiting besties. Just don’t let anyone near your goblet, and hire a food taster as soon as possible. Heavy is the head, and all that…
21. If you love yourself so much, why don’t you marry it?
Seriously. Why not? Sologamy, or self-marriage, is apparently a thing, and this manual will tell you all about it. The book doesn’t just explain sologamy; it tells the stories of its practitioners. Even better, it gives you practical advice on how to start living the self-married lifestyle.
Technically, you don’t have to be a narcissist to marry yourself. But why settle for a marriage of convenience when you could build your union on passion? For sologamy and passion to coexist, you’ve got to really, really love yourself. Just be sure to sign a pre-nup; you can never be too careful.
22. You think your sweat smells like roses, and with this product, you’re right.
Body odor is beneath you. (Actually, it’s beneath your armpits, but you know what we mean.) What you need is a quality skin toner that’s infused with the sweet scent of rose petals. Well, look no further than the Thayers witch hazel toner, complete with rose fragrance.
This skin-friendly formula doesn’t contain drying alcohol or harsh chemicals. Instead, it tones the skin with witch hazel while moisturizing with natural aloe vera. And did we mention that it smells like roses? It smells like roses.
23. Of course, if you’re not satisfied with rose petals, you can always opt for a nice cologne.
Mont Blanc Legend for Men lives up to its name; it’s one of the top-reviewed fragrances on Amazon, and its fresh fougère scent should provide a nice complement to your limitless charm. Top notes of lavender and citrus blend with a warm heart of white cedar, rose, and fresh jasmine, cast over a deep base of oak, sandalwood, and tonka beans.
If you have no idea what those notes mean, just trust us—this stuff smells amazing, and it acts as an elegant finishing touch for any refined person’s ensemble.
24. Wall mirrors are great, but when you’re on the go, you need something more portable.
You never know when the urge to admire yourself will strike. Never be caught without a mirror again. This pocket mirror gives you two reflective surfaces, one that reflects your true proportions in all their glory, and another that gives you a 10x magnification for when you want to really go deep.
Both mirrors sit inside a plain black plastic case that fits easily into a purse or pocket. With this mirror, you can get a healthy dose of self-admiration any time, anywhere.
25. This is the perfect tool for writing love letters to yourself.
You know what the most beautiful word in any language is? Your name. That’s exactly what you’ll get inscribed on this handsome rosewood pen. Even better, you can have your name engraved on the matching box, ensuring that no one else mistakes this for the typical pen of a normal, non-amazing human being.
Use it to compose soaring love poems to yourself, or just write your name in the pages of a notebook, over and over. After all, no other word compares.
26. Document your adventures with this 4K waterproof camera.
To be fair, it’s only waterproof when protected by the included case. Still, it’s much less expensive than a GoPro, and it delivers excellent, vivid video. A built-in smart gyroscope automatically provides stability correction, and a built-in HDMI output lets you share your videos with friends and family easily.
There’s also a burst photo function and a 2.0-inch LCD display. It comes with a tape wire rope, a helmet base, a bicycle stand, and various other accessories to help you capture your athletic feats with stunning clarity.
27. As everyone knows, narcissists are great at projecting.
Of course, people usually don’t mean that literally. This mini projector lets you view all of your favorite shows, movies, and most importantly, home videos in 1080p quality. For under $70, it’s an affordable way to project a giant picture of your own face onto your neighbor’s house.
It includes a three-year warranty, a maximum picture size of 176 inches, and most importantly, keystone correction—a fairly high-end feature not typically found on projectors at this price level. Out of the box, it supports connections with Amazon Fire stick, video game consoles, USB drives, and most smartphones.
28. Brighten your teeth without wasting money at the dentist.
If you’re going to spend hours looking in the mirror, you’re going to want the brightest, whitest smile possible. Activated charcoal powder gently draws out stains from coffee, tea, and other substances, improving the appearance of your teeth without damaging your enamel.
This powder is made with pure coconut charcoal, and while brushing your teeth with charcoal might seem a little weird at first, you’ll notice results within a few weeks. Check out the reviews—this stuff works, and it’s relatively inexpensive.
29. While you’re working on your appearance, take a look at those nails.
If you’re not satisfied with what you’re seeing, don’t fret. These acrylic false nails should help you keep up appearances.
They’re clear and made with a high-quality ABS plastic that looks just like the real thing. Apply, cut, file, paint, and enjoy. By the way, if you’re in the market for a decent manicure set, Amazon has those, too (but you’ll have to grow out your own nails to get the same effect).
30. You’re not really living extravagantly until you’ve got your own personalized towels.
For under $30, you can decorate your bathroom with monogrammed hand towels. They’re beautifully embroidered in silver, and each set contains four cloths made from 100 percent premium cotton with a soft velour finish.
They’re safe to wash in a machine—just be sure to throw them in with your whites.
31. Make sure nobody forgets your name.
For under $10, you can get a personalized necklace bearing your name in brilliant 14K gold. Okay, it’s gold-plated steel—still, for that price, who could refuse?
It comes with a 16-inch chain and a 2-inch extension chain. This makes a tremendous gift; for extra fun, get a couple of these cast with your own name, then give them out and watch the confused looks you get. Be sure to read the product description for ordering instructions.
32. Show off your worldly nature with this elegant travel map.
You’ve been everywhere—and you looked absolutely fabulous in the process. This elegantly framed travel map lets you show off your various vacations and business trips in style.
Included flags and markers help you mark countries and cities you’ve visited (or that you intend to visit), and at 34.25 inches by 26.75 inches, it’s big enough to gesture towards while you tell long-winded stories about your travels. Plus, there’s nothing to stop you from simply putting a bunch of pins in the map and acting like you’re a much more accomplished traveler.
33. You love your body. So does this herbal skin cream.
Indian Meadow Herbals makes some of the most luxurious moisturizing creams available, and they gave this one a name that will appeal to all you narcissists out there: Love Your Body Cream. It’s unclear whether the label is instructing you to love your own body or promising that this cream will itself love your body. But with mostly organic materials and a non-greasy, super-hydrating formula, who cares what the label says?
Besides, you already love your body. You don’t need some skincare product telling you what to do. Just slather this stuff on your gorgeous skin and enjoy the effect.
34. Every day is your birthday when you’re a narcissist. Here’s a nice gift idea.
Sign yourself up for the gift-a-day challenge! That’s when you send yourself an anonymous gift every day for the rest of your life, and we just made it up. You can be first to join.
Anyway, eventually, it’ll start getting tough to find new, creative gifts to keep yourself interested. That’s when you reach for the classic: a gourmet gift basket from Broadway Basketeers. This thing’s got everything: chocolate-covered pretzels, brownie brittle, blueberry Greek yogurt cookies—everything.
It also retails for a little over $40, so maybe reserve this basket for a special occasion…like, say, a day that ends in “y.” That’s how we do it in the gift-a-day challenge.
35. Give your toes the warm, toasty socks they deserve.
Cold toes are for the little people. For you, we recommend electric socks. Nope, that’s not just the name of your favorite small-town cover band. It is a real product, and it really works.
These electric socks provide a gentle heat, and the two integrated li-ion batteries give you enough juice for nearly 6 hours of toasty toes. These batteries are rechargeable. You must literally plug your socks in to keep them powered.
They’re comfortable, too, without the thick cabling that honestly ruins the experience of most electric socks. Yes, there are other brands of electric socks. We just want to keep saying “electric socks.” Electric socks.
36. This shirt identifies you as a narcissist…to the only person that matters.
Made from 100 percent cotton—after all, nothing else is really appropriate for your angel-soft skin—this comfy t-shirt features the word “narcissist,” printed backward so that it’s only readable when you’re looking in a mirror. That shouldn’t be a problem; when are you not looking in a mirror?
It’s a funny gag gift, but for anyone truly embracing their narcissism, it’s not a novelty. Sometimes, you need to show the world who you really are. Hopefully, they’ll love you as much as you love yourself.
37. These stylish crew socks will appeal to any narcissist’s sole.
We’re sorry for that terrible pun. Anyways, they’re made from 60 percent cotton, 37 percent nylon, and 3 percent spandex, which allows for a comfortable, breathable sock that stays pleasantly soft through multiple washes. The “It’s All About Me” text is a little kitschy, but that’s why we love them.
For the price, K. Bell socks feel outstanding. They also offer an adorable set of socks with a cow design, so if you’re not ready to lean into your vanity, that’s another great option to check out.