If you’re wondering what’s up with your girlfriend, find her birthday and figure out what the stars are making her do to you.

Taurus — The Bull — (April 20 – May 20)

There’s no way you’re going to convince your lady-bull that you’re right because she will patiently sit you down and gently explain why she knows best. It doesn’t matter if her teaching is insufficient, she’s right — you don’t want to her to have to use other… tactics… to convince you, do you?

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Gemini — The Twins — (May 21 – June 20)

Which girlfriend are you getting today? You’d better like both sides of her personality and be prepared to deal with either at any minute. If she’s pissed at you, don’t worry, she won’t let anyone else see her rage, Gemini’s are emotional shapeshifters and can wear any disguise to cover up their true feelings.

Cancer — The Crab — (June 21 – July 22)

Why do you need anyone other than your precious crab cake? She’s made such a nice nest for you to share, why would you want to go out into the world and interact with other people? That’s how she normally feels, but then there are those random times when if you don’t get out of the way immediately, you’ll feel her pincers somewhere where it really hurts. But stay in tonight, okay?

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Leo — The Lion — (July 23 – August 22)

Behind those powerful paws, this lioness really loves you, but you’d better recognize who’s boss — she is. If you respect her leadership, she will go hunting for you and share her bounty. If you aren’t with her program, she will put those flesh-ripping teeth to use (on you).

Virgo — The Virgin or Maiden — (August 23 – September 22)

Your maiden meets an old friend of yours, finds out what your girlfriend at that times was like, gives you hell about it, and keeps the conversation going naturally, leaving you and your friend wondering what just happened. Don’t worry, she still loves you, she just won’t ever let you forget that hula-hooper you dated that one summer.

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Libra — The Scales — (September 23 – October 22)

Your little Libra is judging you — silently. Sometimes she’s so shy that you feel like you’re talking to yourself. Eventually, though, you can count on her to prove you wrong in an argument that you didn’t even realize she was listening to. Oh, she’s always listening.

Scorpio — The Scorpion — (October 23 – November 21)

Your secretive scorpion is formulating a plan. Once she puts it into practice, there will be no stopping her whatsoever. If you could only penetrate her tough exoskeleton, you might be able to get a preview or what she’s got in mind, but be careful, if you get in her way, she will ruthlessly inject you with venom — right when you’re furthest away from the hospital.

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Sagittarius — The Centaur — (November 22 – December 21)

If you aren’t helping your half-lady, half-mare stay focused on one or two things at a time, she’s going to be off fighting battles for every little thing she cares about, leaving you wondering if she still remembers that you’re dating.

Capricorn — The Goat — (December 22 – January 20)

Your doe is so smart and organized that she can not only get all of her work done, but she can help you with your pressing projects as well. Two weeks of her being sad and gloomy later, you come to learn that she was under a lot more stress than she let on and by helping you she was wearing herself out. It’s secretly your fault she’s sad.

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Aquarius — The Water Bearer — (January 21 – February 18)

Your Aquarius woman may seem weird to everyone, but somehow she still manages to get stuff done — so long as she doesn’t get sucked into a Netflix vortex. Don’t try and change her, just accept that she’s going to save the world one night, compose a song for you the next, and write a book on it all after that.

Pisces — The Fish — (February 19 – March 20)

Your favorite fishy may have paid $20 for a box of Girl Scout cookies, not realizing the dramatic price markup, but at least she’s sharing those cookies with you.

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Aries — The Ram — (March 21 – April 19)

Your sweet ram-ess loves you dearly, but she will be the first one to cuss you out for being late to an event, never mind the fact that it was her idea to take a side-trip on the way. Redirect her anger by getting someone else angry at you so that she has to stand up for you, which she’ll do, because you’re hers — got it?