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Bro. Bro. BRO. Are you listening, bro?
To be a true bro, you can’t just talk the talk and walk the walk. You’ve also got to shop the shop. Bro culture is big business, bro, and that’s why Amazon is absolutely packed with some of the gnarliest stuff we’ve ever seen.
We treat our shopping like we treat leg day: We take it extremely seriously. That’s why we spent hours digging through the site’s selection to find the best products for bros—stuff that’s perfect for taking to your next tailgate party, decorating your frat house, or simply bro-ing down in bro-town.
1. Stay flexible and strong with Yoga for Bros.
Yoga has tremendous mental, physical, and spiritual benefits, but it’s hard to hold onto your man card when practicing the Lotus Pose or the Child’s Pose. You’re not a child; you’re fairly sure of this.
That’s where Yoga for Bros: Your Guide to Manly Mindfulness comes in. It’s a masculine guide to yoga, complete with re-named moves like “The Reverse Weekend Warrior” and “The Kegstand.” As the product description explains: “This is a roadmap to extra-sensory dude-ception, a state of mind in which one lives by the four facets of the bro-being: sports & fitness, partying, girls, and living large.”
It’s funny, sure, but it’s surprisingly useful for aspiring yogis who know how to crush aluminum cans with their heads.
2. Every bro needs a tank top.
How else are you supposed to show off your glamour muscles? They’re called “glamour muscles” for a reason—they’re meant to be on display.
This stylish tank top features “Whoa Bro” over a pink flamingo, and before you say that pink flamingos are girly, take a look at this one. It’s wearing sunglasses. It’s hard to get more bro than that; in fact, we’re going to call him flamingbro.
It’s printed with eco-friendly inks, and it’s made from comfortable cotton. Perfect for the beach (after you’ve locked down an awesome pump, of course).
3. Sanitize your hands after every set with this antibacterial hand soap.
When you’re hitting the gym (in other words, every day), cleanliness is key. Mr. Mom is apparently named after the worst Michael Keaton film, but don’t get it twisted: It’s a decent hand sanitizer, and its “studly apple” scent smells great.
Per the product description, it’s also “rare and collectible,” so if you collect hand sanitizers, we don’t see how you can pass this up.
4. Every bro knows that staying hydrated is important.
We’ve got this problem—every time we try to double-fist sodas, we suffer massive head trauma of some sort and, as a result, drop our drinks.
That’s where this brilliant hydration helmet comes into play. It lets you enjoy your favorite beverages (or two of your favorites at the same time) without worrying about cranial damage or dealing with the complicated art of holding cans.
Enjoy your (now far safer) journey to perfect hydration.
5. Love racing, but don’t have time to open up a can of estorlin oil to get that true racetrack scent?
This “Smell the Klotz” candle might have a deeply unsettling name, but it’s the best way to enjoy the delicate scent of techniplate and estorlin without actually heading down to your garage. According to the reviews, it really does smell like racing fuel.
Keep it unlit in your car, and it becomes an awesome, long-lasting air freshener. Granted, if you don’t love the smell of fuel, this probably won’t change your mind—but hey, who doesn’t love the smell of fuel?
6. Keep your lips soft without smelling like a garden.
You’re a man, and you need a man’s lip balm. Sure, you could just get an unscented lip balm—there’s dozens of them online—but you need something that specifically says “men’s” on it. Otherwise, how are you supposed to know that it’s for men?
Brickell Men’s Products offers this no-shine lip balm, made with natural, organic ingredients and a light infusion of peppermint. It repairs chapped lips, moisturizes, and provides decent protection from UVA/UVB rays (it’s rated at SPF15).
7. When men cry, they don’t hold back. Big tears, bro.
Fortunately, there’s Kleenex Mansize, an extra-large tissue paper designed for extra-large tears. They’re unscented, and they’re just as soft as normal Kleenex. We legitimately don’t know why you’d consider wiping your nose with anything else.
One caveat, though: While these are called “man sized,” they’re not as big as a typical American man.
8. Wash your favorite tank tops and polos with this ridiculously fancy powder detergent.
You’ve already been told that you smell “distinctive.” The next time you hear that, it’ll be a compliment. Distinctive is a “fully-built enzyme blend” detergent with a masculine scent.
With every load of laundry, you’ll experience a “timeless sandalwood-and-amber” fragrance, and the manufacturer notes that “body heat activates our fragrances,” so you’ll enjoy the sweet smell of cleanliness all day long.
9. While you’re washing up, don’t forget a high-quality deodorant.
Deodorant is by no means optional—someone should really tell your lifting partner. Tom’s of Maine doesn’t contain aluminum, so it won’t stop you from sweating.
That’s actually advantageous during serious workouts since sweat keeps your body cool (duh). The “deep forest” scent is fairly unobtrusive, and Tom’s of Maine products don’t contain artificial fragrances, animal-derived ingredients, or preservatives.
10. When your frat house starts to smell slightly…off, we’ve got the answer.
Silver Dollar Candle Co. created the answer in its signature soy candle. The sweet smell of lively spirits mixes with the intoxicating scent of frying bacon to turn any room into an aromatic wonderland.
Soy candles burn for longer than paraffin candles, and they’re significantly cleaner—no smoke or soot. Each candle should provide about 80 to 100 hours of burn time, giving you plenty of opportunities to enjoy the manliest scents known to man.
11. Wear an apron, but, like, a manly apron.
You might think that there’s nothing cool about wearing an apron, but try grilling for three hours without getting barbecue sauce all over your shirt. There’s nothing manly about that, is there?
This apron keeps you clean while you man the grill. Get it? Man the grill. It makes your intentions clear with bright white lettering: “This is a manly apron for a manly man doing manly things with manly food.” There’s also a beard on the front, just in case someone missed all of the “man” language.
12. If you’re growing a goatee, it needs to be perfect.
You want the greatest goatee of all time—the GOAT goatee. Unfortunately, symmetry isn’t always easy, especially when you’re shaving groggily after an absolutely raging toga party. My Perfect Goatee is a shaving template that you hold in your mouth to get the perfect trim every time.
It leaves both of your hands free so that you can shave easily, and it’s easy to adjust to fit most faces and goatee styles. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot while you’re using it, but you’ll look spectacular when you head out the door.
13. Sometimes you can’t hold it, bro. Especially on the golf course.
How do people go to the bathroom on the golf course? For the most part, they don’t. Pick up this hollow 9-iron and that’ll change. (Actually, maybe it’s a 5-iron. Maybe it’s a 32-iron. We have never golfed, so you tell us.)
Anyway, it looks like any other suspiciously thick golf club, but secretly, it’s a portable storehouse for your body’s unused fluids. When you think about it, the posture of golfing and using a urinal is kind of the same. No one will be the wiser.
14. Show off your excellent taste in footwear while lounging around your house.
You love your hi-top sneakers, but there’s a problem: When you’re not wearing them, you’re not wearing them. Fortunately, these socks address that little issue.
The manufacturer insists that they’re for “expressing your individuality,” but they’re also great for showing how you feel about stylish-yet-affordable shoes. Mankind has yet to improve on the hi-top; now, finally, there’s a decent hi-top sock.
15. Get moisturized, dog!
A dude’s skin goes through a lot in the course of a day. You sweat. You probably get, like, metal shavings all over your face from cutting steel with a hand ax. You might even be covered in brake fluid. All these pollutants draw the natural oils out of your skin, and that can leave you disheveled, dry, and wimpy looking. But you can’t very well reach for the old lady’s Lubriderm, can you?
That’s why you need Bulldog moisturizer. It’s a skincare product for men. It says it right there on the label: “FOR MEN.” That’s you, dude.
16. “Get to the chopper!”
Predator is like Alien if the screenwriters drank nothing but Mountain Dew for a month straight. It’s the manliest movie that’s ever existed, and both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers are in it. If you haven’t seen this sci-fi classic at least a dozen times, we don’t want to know you.
To give you an idea of this movie’s awesomeness, at one point, Arnold realizes that the Predator only attacks people when they’re armed. Does he put down his weapons and walk away peacefully? No. He covers himself in mud and goes to war. It makes absolutely no sense, and that’s why it’s the greatest bro movie ever made.
17. This is the party man’s multivitamin, and it is lit.
Partying too hard drains your body of essential vitamins and minerals. You’ve got to replace those somehow, and it isn’t very cool to take a whole lot of different vitamin supplements. People will be like, “Woah, is that dude sick or something?” Real men don’t get sick.
Just pick up a bottle of Drinkwel multivitamins. They’re designed to limit the negative effects of hanging with your bros well into the night. Be sure to take one next time you eat too much pizza or dance yourself dehydrated.
The only downside is that these use vegetarian capsules instead of a bacon coating. Maybe you could wrap them in bacon to fix that problem.
18. The Axe Effect is a real thing, dude.
It’s just not quite what they portray on the commercials. The real Axe Effect doesn’t immediately drive women wild with desire. It just kinda makes people go, “Whoo, did you catch that Axe Effect?” whenever they pass in your wake. Some people will actually be repelled by the Axe Effect. Others might be okay with it.
Anyway, rest assured that this is not perfume. It is a body spray. You spray your body with it, but you don’t delicately apply it to your pulse points. And that is why every man should purchase this item.
19. Show the betas who’s alpha without saying a word.
Whew, it’s exhausting proving your alpha male status at every turn. You get sick of saying things like, “Hold me back!” and “Any time, anywhere!” If only you could share your ultra-aggressive messaging through the power of apparel instead…
Well, now you can. Amazon offers a handsome trucker hat emblazoned with the immortal phrase, “Come at me, bro!” Slap this thing on your head before you head out to the club, the gym, or the tanning salon. It’ll do the violent posturing for you, which is a real time saver.
20. Bro, what’d you say?
If you have trouble keeping up with the ever-evolving dialect of contemporary young men, keep this book handy. It’s like any other dictionary, except it only covers words that include the term “bro.”
At least, that’s what it looks like based on Amazon’s limited preview. There might be other words in it. You’d have to buy it to find out. We didn’t have to buy it because we know all the words.
Everyone else, though, just, like, buy this already.
21. Single-serving Jell-O desserts? Now that’s what we call raging.
Dudes like to party, and nothing spells “party” like a particular combination of consonants and vowels. Also, Jell-O. But you can’t very well have all of Greek Row serving themselves Jigglers out of a large crystal serving set, now can you? That would not be hygienic, our dudes.
These little plastic cups are the solution. They’ll keep your party rocking with the power of fruity, sugared gelatin. All. Night. Long. Plus, they have their own lids, so you can pack a few individually portioned Jello desserts for later. Rage safe, party people!
22. Two words, dude: Epic. Doilies.
Yo, you ever fire up the grill and assemble the crew only to find that you forgot to stock up on doilies? Major party foul!
It pays to buy bulk. These lacy paper bad boys can take all the punishment your buddies and their hot dogs can dish out: ketchup, mustard, even Five-Alarm Ghost-Pepper Punishment Gunk. Don’t soil the freaking holiday linens, bro.
Plus, this is truly a man-sized package of doilies. We’re talking 500-count, duder. Just remember what the Man Code says: Never feed your face without a bit of lace.
23. While you’re bro-ing out, why not read about literature’s greatest bros?
We’re referring, of course, to The Brothers Karamazov. Russian patronyms are confusing, bro, but once you get past that, this is sort of the ultimate book about life. It’s considered one of the greatest novels ever written, and just saying the name “Dostoevsky” will win you serious points with English professors.
Even if you don’t end up reading it, you can at least leave it laying around so that you look like you’re smart. Sometimes, looking smart is as good as actually being smart. We’re pretty sure that’s a main theme in this book.
24. Warning: Do not put this on your muscles.
We were on the market for a sweet posing oil to make our biceps glisten in the sun, so we searched for “muscle grease” on Amazon. At first, this aerosol looked promising. It matched our search term perfectly!
Little did we know that it’s actually a heavy-duty automotive lubricant with an aluminum base. By the time we got around to checking the product’s safety data sheet, we were already shining like an oil slick and flexing like a longbow.
“Skin corrosion/irritation,” says the safety sheet. “Specific target organ toxicity.”
But man oh man, what a shine it gives.
Anyway, buy this for motors and pulleys and hinges and things like that. Muscle Grease is great for that stuff. Do not buy it for your own muscles, and for heaven’s sake, wear gloves when you apply.
25. Someone revoke your Man Card? That’s okay. Just pick up another one.
We’ll never forget the day they took away our Man Card. We had just quit eating meat. Hey, it was for the environment! Do you have any idea how much land we devote to raising beef cattle in this country?
Anyway, just as we bit into our first veggie burger, a task force in polo shirts swooped in and demanded our Man Card, and that was it: No more proof of manhood.
Luckily, our next stop was Amazon. They sell replacement Man Cards for dudes like us. These things are made of steel. You can even open bottles with them. We don’t know about you, but we’re buying bulk; there’s no way that was the last time they’re revoking our Man Card.
26. Who says makeup isn’t manly?
We know what you’re thinking. Makeup—that is not a traditionally masculine product. Well, we beg to differ, and here’s exhibit A: makeup that has the words “for men” right there in the product name!
See, even burly dudes get uneven skin from time to time. Why shouldn’t they apply a little concealer before heading out to the club?
Just don’t apply eyeliner. That is for the gothic crowd, which is a very different crowd than us manly men.
27. Workout culture starts here. It might also have ended here.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the original gym bro, and this documentary shows how he got there. Plus the dude says some really funny stuff. Some people complain about the stuff he says, but ask yourself: Who are these people that complain? More importantly, do they even lift? No, they do not.
When Pumping Iron came out in 1977, it hipped us all to how ripped we could and definitely should be. It also made Schwarzenegger a star. There’s still plenty to learn from the master, and this classic movie is a great place to start…if you don’t already have Conan the Barbarian on Prime, that is.
28. Commit to the Bro Tribe without risking the allowance.
Tribal tattoos are so sick. Unfortunately, some of us have moms who say they’d cut us off if we ever got inked. Here’s the solution.
These temporary tribal tattoos look just like the real thing. Even better, they’re waterproof, so you can wear them to Spring Break without anyone being the wiser. Just make sure your mom can’t access your Instagram feed. Dude, she’d freak.
29. Looking for a new way to prank your rival house? Here it is.
Frat house prank wars can be super sweet—but only when you have the upper hand. This three-pack of small noise-makers will drive your rivals bonkers. They might even convince them that they’re losing their minds, which would be totally hilarious.
This set comes with three awesome pranks: the Annoy-a-Tron, which beeps randomly; the Ringtone Annoy-a-Tron, which mimics a missing cell phone; and the Evil-Tron, which creates ghostly sounds that will send your victims running for an exorcist. Gaslighting has never been such a gas!
Hide all three in the rival frat house during their next big party, then bide your time. They will unravel, and pranking victory will be yours.
30. Heading to a party? Better learn to play “Wonderwall” first.
These days, you don’t need to spend much to get a decent guitar, and unless you want to get a puppy, your best bet for impressing the ladies is to learn a few songs. We’d recommend starting with “Creep,” maybe changing the words slightly:
I’m a bro / I’m a moocher / How the hell did I wake up here? / I don’t belong here.
You’ll be the best songsmith on the quad, and you’ll have spent less than $100 to learn a new skill.
31. If you’re lucky enough to live on the coast, you need to learn to carve waves.
At the very least, you need to learn the lingo so that you can hang out with a surfboard and chat up those beach babes. Sure, you know the basics—“pitted,” “slotted,” “skunked,” and other phrases that you can’t hear without getting a Sublime song stuck in your head—but to really learn surfing technique, you need a little help.
This instructional video has plenty of great footage of pro surfers doing their thing. It’ll help you develop some rudimentary surfing skills, and if not, you can at least use your guitar (see above) to start a terrible ska band.
32. The LifeStraw is essential gear when you wake up feeling dehydrated.
Sometimes, you’ve got to drink straight from the fountain on the quad. Maybe you just woke up on the quad with a wicked thirst. Maybe it’s a hazing thing. Either way, you’re going to need a LifeStraw when the inevitable strikes.
As we all know, that fountain water is full of bacteria and freshman pee. LifeStraws are built to filter all that gnarly stuff out. They remove more than 99.9 percent of water’s bacteria, quenching monumental thirst without making you sick. Don’t leave the frat house without it.
33. To the true bro, everything is a sport.
The world is full of people who couldn’t shoot a three-pointer to save their lives. They are all around you. They are your co-workers, your clergymen, maybe even your bros themselves. So how can you separate the ballers from the athletically challenged?
Install one of these mini basketball hoops onto the office trash can. Some dudes will ignore it and throw trash away without a flourish. These are not your bros. Others will shoot for it gamely, but fail. These are also not your bros.
A select few will spend the afternoon crumpling perfectly good sheets of 11-by-17 and launching them through the hoop, again and again, filling the air with the sweet sound of swooshes. Nothing but net. Those are the bros you’re looking for.
34. Get swole. Or at least advertise your interest in becoming swole.
Here’s a bit of classic broetry: Dumbbells make you ripped. Dumbbells make you swole. But if you use them stupidly, it’s bound to take a toll.
This poster ensures that your bedroom iron-pumping will have the desired effect. It’s a remarkably comprehensive visual guide to dumbbell workouts. The best thing about it is that you don’t even have to do the workouts if you don’t want to. You could just hang this up so people see it and think, “Whoa, this bro is serious about lifting.”
35. Road rage is guaranteed with the purchase of this sticker.
If there’s one phrase that automatically wins any online argument, and it is this: “You mad, bro?” Now, thanks to the magic of vinyl and adhesive, you can take the winning zinger out of cyberspace and onto the nation’s highways.
It’s a little sticker. No need to be ostentatious. No need, even, to use proper capitalization. This car window decal just says, “u mad bro?” It will make the drivers behind you mad, because for some reason, asking if someone is mad tends to make them mad. Do your part to support road rage with this glossy little number.
36. Somehow, there is no product called “Brotein Powder.” We looked.
But this stuff is pretty close. Combat Protein Powder is packed with BCAAs, glutamine, and digestive enzymes. Plus, it has the word “combat” in the name, so you know it’ll get you into fighting shape.
Oh, and don’t bother patenting the name Brotein Powder. That was our idea. We’re waiting on an angel investor to bring it to market, so, just, like, back off our intellectual property, bro.
Anyway, back to Combat. Choose your favorite flavor: banana cream, chocolate milk, vanilla, or the tears of your enemies. Actually, we made up that last one. It is not a real flavor of Combat. It will, however, be available in an exclusive 600-pound iron tub of Brotein Powder once our funding comes through.